A while ago I got a text message from one of my banks about how they're implementing a policy on collecting payments from inactive accounts, whatever that means. A few weeks after that I got a similar message from another one of my banks, so two of them were at it now. Makes sense I suppose, those are the two banks I was not using, and for many good reasons. Thing is, in at least one of those banks my account only held a single dollar, and I didn't want to be charged overdraft for something I wasn't even using so I decided to close my accounts in both banks.

Well as it turns out, and as I should have expected really, banks are some of the most predatory companies you can have an account with because both went out of their way to make it difficult. As of writing this I managed to get my account cancelled with just one of them. Here is what happened.

Pretty much right after getting the message from the first bank I log into their mobile app, and attempt to follow their instructions on closing the cards I have with them. Its convoluted and inconvenient and they keep shoving their AI-assistant down my throat but whatever, I manage to somehow dig my way down to the form that I have to submit to request cancellation. It asks me to verify with some sort of ID-verification subsystem which is apparently not enabled and it asks me to verify my phone number which I cannot change as its using the phone number tied to my bank account.

Yes the same phone number that I was using, oh I don't know, 9 years ago? And haven't been using for over a year now because I got moved to a different phone plan by my operator and that included getting a different phone number, so I had to run my old SIM card with my new SIM card in my Dual-SIM phone just in case I forgot to move any 2FA accounts to my new phone number. Long story short I didn't have access to that other old phone number.

Fine, lets call support. Their phone numbers claim to be international but they are not, if you call them they instantly hang up and do not phone you back. Cool, lets try to reach someone from within the mobile app's support section. The AI chatbot refuses to let me pass, claiming that its useful too, and attempts to provide a bunch of links to the bank's FAQ and knowledge base, which is great except for the fact that to change my phone number I have to phone a customer support employee who will then do it in their own database -- something an AI assistant can not do.

After fighting the bot I get on call. The customer support guy informs me that to change my phone number I have to have my old phone number removed first. Makes sense, okay lets do it, I say. The customer support guy tells me he removed my phone number and asks me to hang up the call and go back to my mobile app, then follow the steps from there. One small problem though. Upon hanging up the call and returning to the mobile app, the app detects a change to my account and signs me out. To sign in again I need to use my phone number and password. The phone number that is no longer tied to my bank account.

Stellar. After wrestling with the AI assistant for a while again I get a form asking me to enter my personal info so that the customer support person has it ready to go when they pick up. I do that and get my request answered. The customer support person promptly makes me fill in the same form again. After doing that, they request a video call. Alright I guess, I suppose they need to make sure its me and have me show them my ID in real time. I wait on hold for maybe 10-15 minutes for whatever reason and then the customer support person joins. They ask me for consent to access my data, and whether me attempting to change my phone number is indeed what I asked for. I say yes, and the customer person thanks me then hangs up.

Confused as to why I needed to wait to do a video call for what amounts to one, maybe two checkboxes I return to the customer support chat where I fill out another form. The customer support person asks me for my new phone number and attaches it to my account then asks me to sign in. Wary of the earlier fumble I ask whether clicking the only back arrow on screen there is would close the chat and the customer support person tells me that no, it won't close this chat. Upon clicking the arrow, the chat closes and is no longer able to be opened.

At least by this point I was able to sign in and go to my account settings where I could click "Close all cards associated with this account". Which, by the way, only closes a single card at the time -- the last one you had selected, not all the cards. So to cancel all your cards, you have to click "Cancel all cards" on each card separately. I was more confused than angry, although believe me, there was plenty of anger as well. I understand making it inconvenient to retain a customer is part of the whole business operation but this was just pure incompetence with every part of the bank's service process, from the mobile app to the bass-ackward procedures you have to go through to do something as simple as cancel a card.

Part 2 regarding the other bank will eventually be written up as well, since I haven't yet gotten that bank account cancelled, but it will be even more fun from what I can tell.

Deuces.